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Stark warning for 3rd level students

VW Camper Van Hairyeyes

Friday, 1st September 2017

 Post Leaving certificate students, and returning 3rd level students are being warned to stay safe whilst commencing their college studies.

As we all know students are under severe pressure with higher rents, higher registration fees, TV license fees, transport, books, iPhones, and subscriptions to mens health magazines. It’s a miracle that any of them can afford a pouch of tobacco, or a Tuesday night madness, bottle of caffeinated fortified blackcurrant wine.
A senior lecturer of well-known 3rd level institution in Dublin and her colleague a junior instructor in a college of further education in the west confronted staff members of Hairyeyes in early July 2017. They said the Hairyeyes sunglasses could have untold consequences for students especially first year students. They felt that some fellas would become so instantly attractive once they try on a pair of these shades that they could quite possible be taken advantage of. They could end up being some type of throw away sexual slave. One of the lecturers who also happens to be an esteemed economist who predicted Brexit, the North Korean missile crisis, and the price of a pint hitting €7.50 in temple bar, is also predicting that a person could be in intimate contact with another human in as little as half an hour after trying on these sunglasses. Or as she put it half an hour was enough for a man to lose his trousers.
Hairyeyes take our responsibility as purveyors of fashionable eye wear seriously. We did a dry run per say with the junior lecturer. Bear in mind this man would not get a kick in a stampede. We stuck a pair of Fiery Eyes (high risk model in fairness) on him and dropped him outside a late night tavern on the last Tuesday of July. It was raining. We also insisted he should be totally sober so he would be as boring as possible. The results are frightening. The experiment took place in late July before we released the first catalogue of glasses. Its now September and the same lecturer is living in a camper van with three Brazilian lap dancers in Bundoran. He is afraid to remove the fiery eyes in case he is disguise as a hip trend setter is exposed.
So students be warned if you want to remain single do not wear Hairyeyes glasses.